Yayayay

It used to kill me knowing that i knew you were a piece of shit. Now, i could care less. I'm not a freshman in high school anymore, and i'm not doing this same pointless bullshit for another five years. Nothing is your fault, you're flawless, you're this you're that. No no. You're not any of those things, and i wish you would stop walking around with your head up your ass, unfortunately, i don't mind that you make yourself look like a stubborn asshole, it's quite funny.

Love you, xoxo

me.

Nobody's Crying.

I have failed at being myself. I am wrapped up in dark rotten layers that will not shed any time soon.

My mother is overbearing, the feelings that i feel are too big, the person i used to love is too miserable, the scars on my wrist are too real, my depression is a monster eating me alive.

Lying in your bed holding you so fucking tight while you cried into me made me realize that i, we, need to get better, and get through this nightmare that feels like a hell on earth.

Riding in cars with boys

"Sometimes we love people so much that we have to be numb to it, because if we actually felt how much we loved them.. It would kill us."

Hot hot sex.

Mover and Shaker.

I am half the eye of the morning.
I am suppose to be able to overcome fear with great strength and courage.
I cannot. How is it that i am the one that can rally up the folks against insurmountable odds, when i in fact would rather sleep then see the dawning of a new day.
Inside me is some kind of remarkable inner strength, i do not have it. I should be a bright red, a brilliant color, instead i feel consumed by something dark. I am not afraid, fearless, i will not accept defeat, but i have been defeated by the sickness in my mind. I am optimistic, i am not though, not anymore. My element is fire, i feel like air, invisible, a roller coaster of hot and cold, fast and slow. I need fixing, i need it now.

Treat this sickness

It's ruining me, i need help.

Gutter Girl

Tossed away on the side of the street in the murky, dirty water. Crumpled trash on the side of the freeway, caught in the dried, crunchy leaves of an old bush. I feel like i could be in these places, and not be noticed. I need my hand held, no matter how much i say i am fine on my own. You just can't rely on anyone. Old friends, new friends, old loves, new likes. It feels to me that no one is capable of being a good person. No matter how good their exterior seems. Don't become dependent on anyone, they leave, they lie, they don't care. So, sorry to the next person who tries to love me, because i just won't let you. The next person who tries to like me, don't, there is no point. The next person who tries to befriend me, good fucking luck. I am just to numb to feel anything.

I'm happy as a clam

Nobody knows me at all.

Everything in it's right place

It feels completely surreal, being so happy. Me,being so happy, how new, how strange. And it feels so good, so refreshing you are. I want to jump right into whatever we have in store for us.

Wild Card

You say you have the upper hand, i guess in some unfortunate way you do. That small, musky bathroom with poor lighting was the last place I thought i'd be alone with you. It was uncomfortable, and me being intoxicated, always makes things worse. Always stupid around you, always saying stupid things i wish i never said. Stupid things that make you feel more powerful or some twisted bullshit. Of course being me, "complex" me, says the right things and the right time, my eyes wander to some random Uno card lying on the dirty bathroom floor. Squinting, it reads Wild Card. Eyes slowly meeting yours, i say, "you are my wild card." Fuckkk. I lost the battle.

Headache. -_-

God dammit i miss you so much.

Lie in the Sound

Is it possible to love more than one person wholeheartedly? What does that say about yourself? Much too trustworthy? Too this, too that. Is it even possible to love someone with your whole heart. Seems like an immense amount of love to me. It's hard to say whether or not I understand the differences between lust, need, and want. They all correlate with one another, in some strange way. Feeling love for someone can always be mistaken for being lustful for a person. You'd think people would understand the difference. Want, and need come into play far too much as well, for me at least.
Sure, I've been in love once, and it felt nice, but it created a needy kind of me that constantly needed reassurance, and that feeling of needing to be loved back just as much starts to consume you. You fight so hard to keep the idea of being in love in your head, it eventually tears down your mind, and what seemed to be so clear on what you thought was love, becomes just a slight bit hazy.

I am falling, say my name
And I'll lie in the sound
What is love, but whatever
My heart needs around.

Something real.

I can feel the lump in my throat getting bigger, heavier, it's so uncomfortable.You just don't know.
You don't know what makes me smile still.
It felt so goddamn good being able to lie next to you, holding your hand, watching the stars, and having the thought running in my head that i loved you right then and there. The night of our first kiss.
The first time i said i love you, and you said it back. The first song you wrote for me.
Missing feels worse, when no one misses you back.
It's all so far away, insignificant.

Held on as tightly as you held onto me.

A sensitive time.

It can be difficult, or time consuming, or nerve-racking having to start over again. We revert back to the same old person, because, we know them well, we know their flaws, we know what makes them happy or sad, and what their favorite shirt is, or what song makes them feel safe. They know know us too, our insecurities, the line of freckles on our thigh no one knows about, the way we laugh high pitched when we're uncomfortable, or the way we love when they tuck our hair behind our ears. It's easier to go back to what we know, or who we loved, it feels safe, even though it's really the opposite. We try to hide the fact that we know we'll end up hurting in the long run. Sometimes, we don't care, we would rather try to be with someone we know we shouldn't, and get hurt, rather than being alone, or starting over. All I know is that I'm in no rush to be someone's sweetheart.

Crimson Red.

I take it back, you don't have my heart, I have my heart. You just always had a little piece of me, that i resent you for having. But it's okay, I'm sorry you turned into a heartless monster. I can feel cynical towards you after the little act you pulled. It's only fair.

Vous avez mon coeur.

Since day one my sweetheart. I hope you know that. I hope I don't resent you in the end, please don't let me have to.

And now, you're staying.

My eyes can't look at you any other way.

Mood swings in and out both sides.

we spoke of how we talked so differently
i spoke of how i felt so differently

i will never know what had rot my heart
it just came and went in the dark
i had changed into the certain kind of man
that could break your heart with his own hands.

New You.

She feels happy, more alive than she has felt in a long while. "It" tingles all over her body. You don't know what "it" is I'm sure. It's everything good. Music sounds better to her. The sun shines more yellow and brighter in the sky. The pillow she rests her head on at night feels to know every space and crevice to fill. Her heart feels bigger and better. She realized that people can find goodness in the most unexpected places and people. That she could find laughter anywhere. And although she knows she may not be as pretty or smart as she'd like to be, she knows she has a heart full of kindness and compassion. A heart full of understanding and sympathy. A heart that is capable of feeling. She feels sad for the people who don't have that ability anymore. People she once loved and comforted. She knows that there is no changing that, unless they find themselves first. Hope exists, people just need to start believing that concept.

She, is me.

Who knows, Who cares.

Why is it that people are completely wrapped up in their little worlds, with their friends who try to be just like everyone around them? There are much more important things than finding the next fine girl to hook up with, or trying to find love, pretending that what you love to do is really something you want to pursue; even though you aren't good at it, or finding the next fad in clothing and shoes. I feel like so many of the people i know or hang out around are stuck in the mud. I want to travel and explore and do things that are feel good moments, i don't want to sit at in-n-out and talk about the latest gossip that won't matter to me in a week. Everybody is becoming the same.

Don't leave yourself.

I am in an absolutely great place in my life.
I'm sorry to hear you have lost yourself. Ain't it strange how the tables have turned. You are just as empty as I was, and as much as I am very bitter towards you, I would never wish anyone the sadness I felt when I was just a shell aimlessly wandering through days.You have hand fulls of potential to be something great. I wish you would at least try and pick up what's left of yourself before you completely turn to nothing but a shell. Things can turn around in a instant if you are willing to feel something good again.. One piece of advice you always gave to me was to not dwell on anything, it doesn't help you move forward in your life. I took your advice and it has made me a much happier person. Maybe you should look deeper at what you say and apply it to your life.
Don't forget yourself. You are still very special to me still, but i have finally let go.

Is it terrible of me to say i wish my friends appreciated me more?

Angles are calling on me.

I can be so great. I know i can be. Everything seems a little better each day. I am continuing on allowing myself to feel a little more each day. Thank you, finally, days feel better.

Ain't it strange.

It is still completely strange to me how people have the ability to feel something so special for someone they think is absolutely worth giving everything to, can make you feel like you were never a part of their life. I guess you can mean something one day, and because of bad actions, or change of feelings you can pretend like you never said the words. It makes me ache all over knowing that people have this ability. All the countless times i was alone or angry or happy or restless or sad or confused, i wanted to talk to the person who told me they would never love another person like they loved me. It's okay that you're not here anymore, seeing you happy was okay, and i know you have wanted that for awhile.

I love you, i mean it, and i always will.

You're tipping my world on its side.

Completely unreal.

Dr. Dog

I Hope there's love.

Here's to your happy disposition.

I don't think it's worth saying anything now. I don't think i am going to say anything, it won't change one thing. It's a waste of time, it's just a waste of everything. I refuse to make myself look naive by giving you August.

Happy Birthday to you when your day comes. Hope you get everything you wished for.

Fix You.

Everything will be okay. It's all going to be okay.

The darkness has no answers.

I once was brave, but i'm not anymore.

All i want to do is sleep, alone, all day, all the time. It makes me feel better. Lately, my dreams have been better than reality anyways, so what is the point of me being awake? Nothing, absolutely nothing. I must have lied to myself about finding myself, i feel completely and utterly lost, still. Nothing has really changed. I'm constantly setting myself up for disappointment. What is the point of trying to be better when you are too far into nothingness, and the one person you want to come reach down, bring you up, kiss you on the cheek and tell you everything with be okay, will never be there for you again. It's the sad truth, i just haven't built up the courage to accept that yet.

Sometimes so strange
Sometimes so sweet
Sometimes so lonely.

Butterflies.

Your song makes me scared; like i have to appreciate every detail of it because i might not be able to listen to it again. It is the most beautiful thing i have heard in quite some time. It makes me sad, and quiet, and nervous. It overwhelms me. It makes me feel like my heart is soaking in your words and i am desperately trying to keep it locked inside my chest. It is pure and romantic, and it is something real. You said it in a letter years ago that it would be for me, i really don't know if it is, but, i love it none the less.

When you came in the air went out.

We're not the same as we used to be. Especially me.

I'm sorry I controlled you without actually controlling you, sorry you felt like that. I wish we could talk, there are so many things I want to tell you and show you. I told you I would find myself, and it is a slow process but a successful one at that. It makes me happy, I only wish you could witness it, I think you would be happy too. I'll be great, and smart, and happy, and loving, and loyal, and funny, and shy, and sad, and excited, and pretty, and stubborn, and angry, and complex, and simple to someone, again. That someone should be you again, and hopefully it will be you again. Until again comes around, if it ever does, no fingers are crossed, I will continue to work on me.

Take me home.

I just want to say I meant everything I've said, even when my body was drowning in uncertainty and alcohol.

Great, great great.

Lie, lie, lie.

Timid, you're just so timid.

I just don't know anymore. You're wonderful, i really think you are, i'm just not sure where my mind is right now.

Sunset soon forgotten.

It makes me sad to know that i will never get you back. You were such a shining light. You were such a joy to be around, such a lovely girl. I miss telling secrets, i miss missing you, i miss vacations together, i miss composing silly love songs about our boy problems. It will never be the same, never. I don't understand where we split off. You are just different, much to different to come back to me. I am sorry it had to come to this.

True Blood

You're walking away. I'm walking away, just not as far as you. From a place. A place were we have layed out our history. A place were we had laid out our young untouched hearts, but now it's as if some form of darkness is coming to eat it up. We are growing up and growing apart. I am sitting here trying to explain exactly how i feel, honestly, i can't. I think it's because it is actually happening. You don't see me anymore. You have done a wonderful job at making me feel invisible to you. Good for you, good for me. One of us had to do the hard work.


We're all just trying to be seen to matter, to someone, to anyone.

Don't let yourself go, because everybody grows, everybody hurts.
Repeat
Repeat
Repeat
Repeat

Kelsey.

I'm not quite sure how long me can take this.

You, me, everything to nothing.

Who in this world could ask me to resist?

You might just be the best thing i've heard in a really long time. It only took one time for me to be completely in love.

Sadness is unattractive.

My unhappiness is making me sick of myself. I am annoyed of myself. I am tired of me being a upset, it makes me exhausted. Why am I stuck in such a deep hole? Why can't anyone shed a some light?

Sometimes i feel like i refuse to have light shed on my unhappiness, almost like i am scared to feel something good because it will be taken away. My optimism, gone. Positive attitude, gone. My attempts to love another person, gone. At this point i can't stand being me. Too much sadness is an unattractive quality, take it away please.

We're under the sheets and you're killing me.

It is hard to accept the mistakes you make in life. It is just as hard to forgive yourself. It is difficult to allow yourself to feel happy and content when you have disappointed yourself and especially the people around you.
I layed out an important set of morals and standards. Then, threw them away and completely disregarded everything good I stood for. The mistakes I have allowed myself to make created a person I never intended, or wanted to be. A lost person.
I was a person who thought she knew exactly who she was. I have no idea who I am anymore. I have never been so scared of everything. I don't even know if you realize that you have made me feel extremely unwanted, worthless, used and disgusting. As long as you got what you needed, your world was fine. As for my world that you so obviously didn't care about was slowly crumbling all around me. I don't like the way I never listened to the old person I was when I was around you. Who are you to make me look like a fool. I speak my mind, I am not afraid to say no, I stood up for what I believed in...until there was you. No more you ever again. No more you feeding me words you've fed to ten other girls naive hearts. There is nothing wrong with making a girl feel good about herself, but to take it to a level where you intentionally sweet talked girls until they grew attached enough for you to take it to another level, sad, and wrong.
I deserve more than a silly boy who thinks a couple sweet compliments will lure me into his death trap of cruel intentions. I let my foolishness get the best of me. I have never been so hurt and upset with myself. Nothing like this will happen again.

I realized today that it is just as hard to forgive other people who stood for better things than most people would, fall from grace. I can't believe I let myself become that person. I will find myself, I promise you that.

Done.

I just don't understand how i can go from being completely happy, to sitting in my room a week later crying at myself in the mirror. I want so badly to be able to look at myself and love me. I want to accept myself. I have never felt so used and worthless, but i'm allowing it to continue. What is wrong with me? I feel like i can never satisfy anyone and i am always sad now. This is pathetic.

Taking out the trash.

You're just disgusting. You're a heartless bitch who doesn't give a shit about anyone besides yourself. Get over yourself because you're nothing special. You're the epitome of a stupid slutty girl.

A fork in the road.

The day will come when you need me most and I won't be there. That takes a lot for me to say. I just can't do it.

Six feet under.

Things aren't well. It blows me away when I am incapable of grasping things like I know I should. Why is it so hard for me to let someone break down my walls. Oh yeah, I forgot, All good things must come to an end. I don't like the end so I never let it begin.

I am ready for some consistency from the ones I care about. I am ready to start a clean slate with the friends that have stuck by me, loved me, cared for me, and never burned me. I love my little thread of friends who constantly make me feel loved, and good about myself. I am over the ones who i feel are constantly judging me, or backstabbing me. I am ready for some great love in my life.

You two of all people, I can't even explain how i am feeling. I feel empty, and left alone. It is obvious you two are related. Good luck with your lives.

Lightbulb burnt out.

Upside, we're upside down. The blood is rushing to my poor little head.

Brand new.

It feels like putting on a brand new pair of shoes. They fit right, they feel good, they look absolutely great, but how long will they be able to last? Will they be strong enough to withstand the things I do? I hope they do because I'm keeping them.

Leaving far, far, away.

Makes me so happy. Bye-bye for the weekend you nosey, judgemental, overwhelming little suburban town.

Stuck in the middle. Being pulled in every direction.

Somone like you.

I underestimate the amount of emotions I can feel at once. For one person too. That night, you, you and that night combined. I feel that once the heart has felt something so true, and wonderful, and safe, and blissful with a person it's hard to feel it again. And once you've lost that, it feels like you've lost all feeling in your body. It's like your heart and mind have to regain conciousness...but sometimes it takes too long to repair and you're left with the insecurities that rush in when you're in your most vulnerable state. Maybe that's just me in a certain case.

"There are few things sadder in this life than watching someone walk away after they've left you, watching the distance between your bodies expand until there's nothing... but empty space and silence."